What Is Normal, Anyway?

Our oldest son was born a little over four years ago. I wore out my copy of "What to Expect When You're Expecting," but I didn't go nuts reading parenting books, preferring simply to peruse one or two of today's more popular publications. Most of what I read centered mainly on sleeping, breastfeeding, and developmental milestones, and there seemed to be little room for deviation within the parameters ascribed by the various authors.

Very soon after E's birth, I realized that most of the things I’d read about babies and children weren’t going to apply to him.

That’s not to say he was abnormal. In fact, he’s about as normal as a kid can be. The thing about “normal,” is that it can encompass a very wide gulf of behaviors. If you think about it in terms of the color scale, “normal” might be anything between orange and indigo. Only behaviors falling in red and violet, the very extreme ends of the spectrum, are causes for concern; most parents will never see red or violet, even fleetingly.

Our main challenge with E was sleep; it was our Achilles heel, so to speak. He was over a year old the first time he slept through the night, and unfortunately he still has not made a habit out of staying in bed all night long.

Is this abnormal? Not according to a hoard of other mothers I have spoken to over the years. Yet, books and websites and pediatricians everywhere are saying that babies “should be” sleeping through the night by a certain age, which ranges from three to seven months depending on who’s talking. That I couldn’t somehow make my child sleep the way he was supposed to, the way I needed him to, drove me to distraction, depression, and a host of other emotions I would rather have not experienced. But experience them I did, and eventually I came to two realizations:

1. There are some things one cannot make another person do, no matter their age; these include sleep, eat, and stop crying.

2. My child’s sleep habits were in no way a reflection of my abilities as a mother.

These realizations, however comforting, did not mean much at four in the morning when I’d been trying to get my child back in bed for an hour and a half. However, when I was facing some figure of authority ripe with concern, disapproval, and unasked-for advice, my realizations were of great importance. They enabled me, on many occasions, to simply smile and say, “Thanks, but it’s no big deal.” At times they gave me the power to tell an outright lie (“Of course he sleeps through the night, why wouldn’t he?”), an understandable sin for which I’m sure my immortal soul is in no danger. These realizations gave me a very constructive method of defense, of deflecting others’ value judgments and thus preserving the rest of my very shaky confidence as a mother.

When the going gets rough in parenthood, there can be an overload of internal doubt, guilt, and blame, especially if one’s been blessed with a kid who defies the rules of “normal,” who simply isn’t wired to sit still, drool, and coo at things unseen all day long while Mommy continues to live her life with little to no upheaval. If I had a dollar for every time I internally screamed “What am I doing wrong? What’s the right thing to do?!” I would never go hungry again. In these moments with my first child, I would turn to books, websites, and expert advice; often even the most gentle, emotionally generous methods I could find still left me in despair. E just didn’t fit any mold, and most sources of advice and/or action brought us little, if any, amelioration of whatever difficulty we were experiencing at the time.

Most sources of authority on children will superficially acknowledge the great variation in which infants and toddlers adhere to what is considered “normal” behavior, but they still prefer for parents to strive for the theoretical realm of stats and averages compiled after years of records-keeping and research. In extreme situations, this information allows parents and pediatricians to identify truly serious situations, such as severe illnesses, genetic defects, and developmental challenges. For those of us living blessedly in the orange-to-indigo range, stats and figures can be more harmful than helpful, because they can represent an unattainable goal, an acme of child behavior and development that cannot be reached. And whom do we blame when our kid doesn’t stack up to the suggested parameters? We blame ourselves, of course.

I am in no way suggesting that medical or professional advice be disregarded when a child’s health and well-being is on the line. I am not a child-care expert, I am simply the mother of a kid who thumbed his nose at “average,” who emerged from my womb with his personality, needs, and attitude cocked, locked, and ready to rock. And oh, how he has rocked.

It would be nice sometimes if we, as parents, had the power to successfully alter our children’s behavior every time it fell too far to the right or left of the middle. What a world we could live in, if, by will alone, we could get our babies and toddlers to the green zone, the center range of behavior and development--how stunningly average an existence! Thankfully--yes, thankfully--this is not the case.

The other entries in this blog will center around ways in which my lovable offspring have been happily deviant from “average.”

It is my hope that these tales of non-adherence will help spread the idea that good parents can, and do, have kids who choose not to comply with certain accepted norms--or perhaps simply come to them on their own terms, in their own time. Sometimes knowing that just one other person has experienced the same things with which one is currently struggling, is enough to restore the confidence and perspective we all need to enjoy our children and parent effectively.

I am learning to delight in my non-conformist child; may yours never cease to amaze you.